laughing with

true life: i love spiritually ambiguous songs. anyone remember my mumford&sons conundrum? i like researching to find out if they are secretly believers, and i really like looking at lyrics about God that were written by people who don't consider themselves christians. it's interesting to see that other perspective, especially since working in ministry kind of puts me in a "jesus bubble" some days.

Here's my latest favorite:
"Laughing With" by Regina Spektor

My favorite lyrics:

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

thug life

chris rene

The one where I let a thug cut my hair...

Today I let a wannabee thug cut my hair. I wasn’t aware that said hair stylist would be of the hoodlum persuasion, especially since it’s one of the nicer salons in the Winston-salemey area, and also because he was recommended to me by my dear friend lacey.

Let’s preface this story by saying that, when I lived in Raleigh, I had the BEST HAIR STYLIST EVER.  Tony could work magic with his hands and turn my gross, straightener damaged hair into something that was actually flattering.  Because of the magnitude of Tony’s awesomeness, I haven’t cut my hair since moving back home, and it was starting to look similar to a place that rats might make their home.  So, with trepidation, I made an appointment with my bestie’s stylist.  For the purpose of this story, let’s call him Chainz, since he had one around his neck and one on his wrist.

As another side note, whenever I go somewhere like the doctor or hair salon, I dread the moment when the person asks about my life. One, because people automatically assume I’m in high-school, and two, because telling people that you work as a missionary is always super awkward.

In this case, homeskillet asked me what I had done for New Years, where I attempted to explain that I was at a Christian conference with college students and that we had a New Year’s party there. 

“So when you say there was a ‘big party’, was there, like, alcohol and popping bottles and stuff?”

“Ummmm… not really… I mean…most of the kids were underage…and it’s a Christian company…and…stuff…”

“Oh. That’s straight. I don’t think drinking age should matter though; it’s New Years.”

Sigh.

At any rate, I’m pleased with the job Chainz did on my hair, even if I did have a brief fantasy about driving to Raleigh and begging Tony to take me back.

In other news:  I’m taking a break from facebook right now, so if you’re reading this post, it means that you actually check to see if I update my blog and are my true friend. And you win a prize.

Peace, love, and gold grillz.

Little j

kelly osbourne + the gospel

WARNING: There are things like deep thoughts and semi-coherent sentences in here today. Rest assured that my usual inane content will resume tomorrow.

how fierce is K.O. looking these days?

A couple days ago, I was watching E! true hollywood story: kelly osbourne.   Ok, actually, I was watching the ‘keeping up with the kardashians’ and got too lazy to get up and change the channel when it ended, so I ended up watching a documentary about kelly osbourne, but I digress.

To nobody’s surprise, kelly had a rough childhood. They travelled a lot, she was a kid with a british accent growing up in america, and, hello!, her dad was ozzy osbourne. It isn’t exactly pet golden retrievers and white picket fences when your dad sings for black sabbath.

Anyways, kells was saying how the kids at her school would pick on her, and she mentioned that “the religious ones” would tell her that she was going to “burn in hell” because her dad bit the heads off of bats and stuff.

What the what?

I literally started crying when I heard that, and lest you think that is normal little j behavior, let me assure you that it is not.

Sometimes (like when watching E: true Hollywood stories) I get to the end of my rope with people who use the name of Christ to fuel their own bigoted and prejudiced agendas. Then I wonder how many times I’ve done something really crappy to someone (I assure you I have) and they’ve judged Christianity based on my behavior.

Too often we forget what the bible actually says. Sure it would be nice to live in a world where everybody was perfectly biblical, but if every single one of my friends quit going out drinking on Friday nights, would it make any difference at all in light of eternity?

Nope.

We need to quit trying to force people who don’t know Christ into a Christian lifestyle. When we do that, we are basically telling our friends "you have to earn your way to Jesus."  I don’t hurt for my friends because they say cuss words, I hurt for them because they don’t know God for who he really is.

I wonder how things could have been for kelly if one of those “religious” kids had said,

“Hey, I see you’re new here. Let’s be friends.”

Any maybe that’s putting a lot of pressure on elementary school age children, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask from us adults.

i need a mood ring

When I was in middle school, I had a friend (we're actually still good friends) who didn't think girls should say the word "crap".  He thought it was unlady-like, and because I am was extremely stubborn, I would try to fit it into a sentence as many times as possible. Then I would write it on pieces of paper and hold them up across the classroom so he could see.  I would also step on his shoes because I thought they were "too clean". 


Maybe I was a bit of a brat, I don't know, but regardless, I want to say that this week has been crap. Sorry, Alejandro.


Nothing major has happened, just a series of annoyances that have pushed me to the edge of sanity. You know, like when you start going into hissy fits because of  the smallest, most unlikely things?

Read the rest of The Sneaky Hate Spiral  at Hyperbole and a Half

Maybe you don't act like that when you've had a bad day; you're probably a lot more mature than that.


I would really just love a whole day to lay on the couch in 
my sweatpants and watch reruns of Law and Order: SVU for 8 straight hours. Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop spinning for me. but it should.


Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and exude awesomeness. 


G'night, friends.


PS- I realize this post had very little substance. Sorry. Sometimes my life is like that.

i am the worst environmentalist ever.

Remember this post when I got up on my soap box (soapbox??) about being a good steward of your resources?

That was coming from the girl who didn't tithe last week because I was out of checks and was too lazy to drive to the bank before church to get cash.

So yeah,  I'm a little bit of a hypocrite. Also, I read in the 'winston-salem monthly' that our area (Northwest NC) ranks one of the highest in the nation for "food hardship among households with children", so I've been feeling a little uneasy about the amount of excess I have in my life. 

I have closets/dressers full of clothes, but I rotate between the same two weeks worth.  

So, I'm going to keep track of what I wear for a month and anything that doesn't get worn gets donated, including shoes and (gulp!) scarves. Those of you that know me personally know what a big deal that last statement was.

Being practical though, I'm not going to count dress clothes or my field clothes. 

I need you, friends, to keep me accountable! 

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?
Matthew 6:25

confessions (Part 2)

For the past month, I've felt like a hypocrite.

After God closed the door on Sweden, I was full of fear. As soon as my financial coach and I decided that I should pursue part-time staff here in the states, I was afraid that God would change His mind, and ask me to keep trying for Sweden.  It wasn't rational. I don't know why I believed that God would change His mind, after he had changed my heart and financial situation.  I know it was crazy, but those emotions were very real.  I was so afraid and confused, that I quit reading my Bible and quit praying.  Listening to a message at church about international missions made me sick. My heart was hardened and I wasn't going to try to fix it.

In the interest of honesty, I didn't have any intention of walking away from God.  I knew that God and I were going to work things out...eventually...but I wasn't in a huge rush to start that process.  I envisioned a scene that involved lots of crying, apologizing, and then He might (reluctantly) forgive me.

Here's what happened instead.

I meet with a couple of my new coworkers for breakfast one morning.  They tell me how there has been no female staff in this part of the Triad for the last couple years, and how the female students are in need of discipleship.  They tell me they've been praying for a girl who might want to work at Wake Forest to disciple the girls there.  As it turns out, I am that girl.  Who lives in the western part of the Triad.  Who wants to disciple girls. Huh.

So time goes by.  I'm still not having any sort of communication with God, except for an occasional prayer for a friend in need (in my twisted brain, it was okay to pray for others, but not for myself), but I start feeling fake.  I work for a Christian organization, so, of course, I'm at events like Bible studies and worship nights, and I'm telling people that I'm doing this so that college students will know what it means to have a relationship with Jesus, except that I have no relationship with Jesus. The most annoying part is that I don't even feel like He's angry with me, it just feels like  He's there, waiting for me to come back.

So today I went back.  It wasn't anything like the scene I imagined, crying, embarrassment, or anger.  I just sat down and read the book of Ruth, and it wasn't about righteous anger or punishments, it was about God's love and provision.  It was about how God brought life and happiness out of death and bitterness.The woman who says:

"Don't call me Naomi. Call me Mara, she answered, for the Almighty has made me very bitter. I left full, but the Lord has brought me back empty." Ruth 1:20

ends the story with her brand new grandson on her lap. 

Do I think Naomi could have ever envisioned the happiness God would bring her in her old age? Nope.  This woman buried her husband and two sons, lived through a famine, and had to return to her home poor and widowed. I'm sure that's not how she imagined her life story to go.  But God redeemed the situation, and the little baby boy at the end would go on to be the grandfather of King David.

So I said all of that to say this: I didn't write this to whine or to brag about what I learned, or whatever. I wrote this because the Christian blogs that inspire me the most are the ones that are honest.  I like the ones that talk about issues that aren't PC or cross the line into waytoopersonal because those are the ones that I can relate to.  So this is my story. Sometimes I feel like my emotional baggage and general ridiculousness make me so unworthy to be in ministry.  Sometimes I think about how under-qualified I am to be discipling girls who are probably "better Christians" than me.  Luckily, I serve a God who uses the foolish things to shame the wise, and the weak to shame the strong.

Luckily, it isn't about me at all.

little j

confessions

 alexandria

heyguys,
ihaveabsolutelynowillpower.
iknowitoldyouthatiquitdrinkingcoffee, butimalreadybacktodrinkingacupalmosteveryday.
goodbye,additionfreelifestyle, hellooooosweetcoffee.
ifyou'rewonderingwhyi'mwritinglikethis,
it'scausemyawesomecoworkermademeahugecupofcoffeeandappartentlymybodyforgothowtoprocesscaffeine.
praythatidontinjureanybodywhileonthiscaffeinehigh.
lovey'all,
littlej

[some stuff that has changed my life]

Those of you who hang out with me IRL know I'm addicted to the blogosphere. I'm always blabbering on about the blogs that I follow, and talking about the authors like we're on first name basis.

When you follow someone's blog, (and I hate this term) religiously, you start to feel like you really are friends with that person.

One blog that I really love is Jamie The Very Worst Missionary's. It's tough to write blog posts about your faith without getting preachy, cheesy, or some combo of the two.  Somehow, Jamie manages to never do either.  She writes with a brutal honesty that is sometimes controversial, but always leaves me with a new perspective.  So when she posted You'd be Surprised. this week, I was blown away again.

Honestly, I'm going through some tough stuff right now in my own relationship with God. I don't really think that I have enough insight/clarity to write about it yet, but reading Jamie's post made me feel like I wasn't alone.  It gave me the opportunity to see past the hurt and guilt that fill up this spiritual rut that I'm in, and replace those feelings with forgiveness and grace. It allowed me to get a glimpse of the Jesus that the Bible talks about, the one who hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, the one who taught about the prodigal son, and the one who offers redemption to his followers, no matter how much we screw up.

For the first time in a couple weeks, I saw the real Jesus. You should read the post. I promise it will be worth it.

"God can do much with very little.
He can do more with less.
He can do anything with nothing."

humble pie

my blog list is out of control.

yesterday I went through and deleted some of the blogs and twitter... twitters... (what is the correct plural of twitter?) and the list is still long. 

anyway

I was catching up on my pastor's twitter (the number 10 way that you know you go to a trendy mega-church, b-rob) and he had tweeted this:

@MikeatHope

It always gets me when I read John 13 and think of Jesus getting down on his hands and knees and washing Judas' feet. That's true humility.

And, oh, how I was convicted.  And even though he doesn't know who I am, it felt like he had typed that one out just for me.

You see, I've been angry lately.  Not in general, but really specifically.  Sure, I've been praying about it ...

Dear God, please remove this anger in my heart, so that I don't have to do any work in the process, or do any of that annoying "forgiving" junk that You are always talking about...

But then last night I pictured the Son of God kneeling on the dirt floor, washing the feet of the man who followed Him for years, who professed to be his friend, and who would turn Him in to the Jews to be killed. 

And I felt...ashamed.  It sucked.

 
I've been walking around, spitting fire at this person like it was my job, and Jesus was down there in the dirt, washing His enemy's feet. 

I'd like to say that I've totally let it go, but that would be lying to y'all. I know this though, I'm gonna be down on the ground with my Savior, washing those feet until I do.

p.s. i'm sorry about the formatting of this post. blogger likes to hate sometimes.