this post is long overdue

she's going to kill me for posting this...

 i don't want to exaggerate, because then A MILLION people will be all worried, but last week was really one of the worst weeks i've ever experienced.

cliff notes version, my sis was in the hospital for some of last week with kidney stone number 3.  every time it would seem like she was getting better, that gosh darn stone would start moving again.  it felt like the nightmare that would never end.


anyhows, during this week, i kept praying and praying, but seemingly NOTHING changed. i mean, clearly, she got better since she's back to work and stuff, but it didn't feel like my prayers were heard or acknowledged at all.

i don't believe we should be whiny toddlers when God doesn't answer prayers they way we wanted him to; HOWEVER, i feel frustrated that we're supposed to come to him with our troubles and he didn't seem to be listening to mine.  what's the point in praying then?

so i got to this point in writing the post and couldn't think of anything else to say.  i really wanted to come up with some neat conclusion, something that would keep this post from sounding like I was saying that prayer is pointless (which is NOT what i'm saying), but I couldn't come up with anything.  so i let it sit till i found this...

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

2 Conrinthians 12:9

i was reminded of why i write about spiritual things on this blog.  it's not so that i can share some sort of deep wisdom or theology with you, cause we all know i'm not qualified to do that.  it's because i want this to be a real blog.  i want other believers to know that it's okay to struggle and i want my friends who aren't to know that the Christian life isn't about being perfect.

so i'm boasting in my weakness. i don't have an answer to this insecurity (yet!), but in my weakness, His power is all the more evident.

(un)productivity

4 years later aaaaaand you're qualified to answer phones...

 Today was my first official day of unemployment, which was (expectedly) sad and unproductive.  I had a very, very long to-do list of things that sickness, employment, and loooooooove have prevented me from accomplishing over the past 3 weeks, but actually, I did very little of it.

It's bittersweet to be finishing with my year of ministry and moving on. It's also frustrating to have a very expensive piece of paper hanging on the wall in my room that says i should be qualified for a job, but to receive rejection after rejection.

I didn't really intend for this post to turn into a rant about my employment frustrations. I truly honestly know that big J has it under control.  If I learned anything at all from the whole Sweden debacle, it's that God knows best.  He's never done me wrong, never let a bill go unpaid, and never given me anything that I couldn't handle, but there are still moments where I think "grrrrrrrrrrrrr i hate this" and proceed to throw myself a really fancy pity party.

On a positive note: I got out and ran for the first time in a week and it was so. nice. I'm so impatient to up my distance so that I can feel like a real runner (sorry, JP!), but it was fantastical to get back out after a week of tissues and dayquil, even if it was only 1.5 miles. :) Unemployment or not, I'm a lucky girl.

Night, y'all.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward

you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

Psalm 73:23-25

songs for a sucky day

i know you probably have those days when you feel like there is something really big weighing on you and you've prayed about it over and over and it just feels like God
is. not. listening.

sometimes those days stretch into weeks or months and it really wears on you.  you're tired and your faith feels really small.

i've definitely been through some of those times (and know there will be more).  while i was driving today, i heard one of the songs that i listened to a lot when struggling through some career decisions last winter. i love me some worship songs,  but i also really love christian songs that are about struggle too.  it refreshed me to remember that i can be honest with God and also that other people are struggling through similar things.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Here are some of the songs I love when I'm feeling far away from God:

"how long, o lord, will you wait to rescue me?

how long, o lord, how long?

Would my tempter pursue me

if he knew you were near?

would he boast of his power

if he felt your hand?"

"there's only one way to figure out

will you let me drown?

hey now, this is my desire

consume me like a fire, cause i just want something beautiful to touch me

I know that I'm in reach

cause I am down on my knees 

waiting for something beautiful"

"lord, didn't you see me crying

and didn't you hear me call your name

wasn't it you I gave my heart to?

I wish you'd remember where you set it down"

I hope these songs encourage you as much as they've encouraged me.  If that doesn't work, you can look at the picture of the horse sticking out his tongue. That has to make you laugh :)

cheesecake and adulthood

giant pieces of cheesecake for no reason on a monday night, another great thing about being an adult.

This year has been a learning/growing season over here in little j land. Some of it, like the anticipation and disappointment of the Sweden year, has been here for you guys to read and walk through with me.  I  SO appreciate all the sweet comments, the prayers, the encouraging postcards, and hugs.  Some of it, like my struggle to find my career/purpose, has been too personal, too full of anxiety to write about on the internet. 

But, one thing I’ve been working through recently is my tendency to compare myself to other people and use their actions as a compass for my life.

Really, I use Christians, not Christ, as my model for living. And really, isn’t it so much easier? They’re right here, going to the same church as I’m going to, writing blogs that are similar to mine, or giving their money to the same types of things I do.  And then I think, what could Jesus know about my life? How could he know what it feels like to be a 22 year old girl who sometimes tries too hard to be hipster, who loves reading vampire books, and doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life? 

But as I’ve let other people define the way I write, date, work, and play, I start confusing other people’s values with my own. I start following these all these other rules and getting weighed down by pressure that doesn’t come from Jesus, but from myself. 

Maybe this is just a getting older/maturing thing, but recently I’ve been stepping back to reevaluate all these self-imposed pressures and deciding what I really believe.  I’ve been looking less at other believers, but looking towards Christ for approval, love, and acceptance.  Really, he DOES know what it’s like to be that girl, because he MADE her. Every emotion and every circumstance that made her the person that she is was created by him. And when I reject all that outside pressure, I feel so free! I’m free to be the person that God created ME to be, not the person my bible study leader, boss, or close friend is becoming.

Although I’m still impatient to see who little j is going to be. 

This new found freedom is pretty sweet AND makes me think that maybe becoming a grown-up isn’t so horrible after all. 

p.s. i want to write a post about the hunger games. is it way too behind the times for me to post my opinions about those books? i wanna stay hip and all that.

humble pie: part deux

you shall not pass!

Did you know that Lord of the Rings references are the new Christian “thing”?   I found that out this weekend, and, oh boy, did this speaker work in some major nerd points.  By the end I was a starting to wonder if it was Jesus who was coming back one day or Gandalf to save us from the orcs.  I kid.

 So I realized that I haven’t written anything about Big J in a while, and that certainly isn’t due to a lack of “God stuff” happening in my life, but more to my lack of diligence in the blogging department.  So I shall endeavor to tell you about what I learned today about humilty.

Back story: I’m a tactless texter/facebook commenter, especially if I’m multitasking. I say whatever I’m thinking at the moment, and then post without re-reading it through the “am I being a word-that-rhymes-with-witch?” filter.  So today I accidently commented something really thoughtless in response to a person that I’m close to . UNFORTUNATELY for me, I didn’t actually think about what I had said until hours later when the evil comment randomly popped into my head.

“Did I really say that?” I thought embarrassedly. “Maybe he didn’t see it. I’ll just go home and delete it and pretend I never said that.”

And I felt God say, “Do you really wanna take that risk?”

“But Goooooooood.” I whined. “ It would be so embarrassing to have to apologize, and what if he hasn’t seen it already, and what if it’s really awkward? And what if…”

And then God asked me this:

“Do you care more about your pride or about the feelings of this person?”

Ouch and double ouch. And I knew what I had to do. 

It was in this moment that I knew that I’ve grown up. Two years ago, I would never have been ready to hear that rebuke, and tonight I was comforted by the fact that He is at work in me, teaching me to be more like Jesus every day. 

So if you are anything like me, and you look at these amazing Christian women who seem to be everything proverbs 31 describes, and then you look at yourself and see an bratty pre-teen girl trapped in a women’s body, and you long to be humble and graceful and kind, TAKE HEART, 'cause if he’s changing me, he’s doing it for you too.

love.

here

Merry Christmas, loves.

Look, I hate being lectured about "the reason for the season" as much as the next person.  I love shopping for my friends, singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You", and seasonal flavored lattes at Starbucks. 

I adore Christmas for all the regular, secular reasons. 

But, totally by accident, I was found this today and felt so loved and thankful for my relationship with Jesus.  Even though I like to think that I celebrate my redemption every day, I'm even more aware on this day, the day we celebrate His birth. 

Over the past two years I've received more hope, love, and joy than I could have imagined existed. 

oh come let us adore him!

The Sister Wife- a review

hizzle

When I was a kid, I used to love reading.  I was the one who would be reading under her desk in class or staying up after bedtime with a flashlight under the covers.  One time, I got in trouble and my mom grounded me from finishing the 4^th Harry Potter book right after it came out. Cruel and unusual, I say.

When I’m nannying, I have time to read while the kids are doing homework, or taking guitar lessons, or are out wrecking havoc with the neighborhood gang.  I’ve been picking random books from the library and just finished The Sister Wife by Diane Noble.  It’s set in the beginning of the 19^th century, and is about a young woman and man who fall in love and become converts to the newly emerging Mormon church.

Although the plot and characters are a little cheesy (oh no! Bandits are invading the camp and all the menfolk have gone into town to buy supplies!), it did a really good job in addressing the differences between Christianity and Mormonism without condemning either side.  There are Christian characters that are strong in their faith and those that are struggling with their view of Jesus. There are also Mormons who believe wholeheartedly in the relevations of Joseph Smith, and those who have doubts about the new church. 

I’ve been curious about the differences between the two faiths since I started blogging, and, let’s face it, 90% of the blogosphere consists of super trendy Mormon bloggers. Also, I had a great conversation with some cute missionaries from the Church of the Latter-day Saints last summer. So yeah, I thought it was a really informative book that addresses issues like faith vs.works, the extent of human godliness, polygamy (even though it's long since been banned by the Mormon church), and the holy spirit. 

Deep stuff considering the characters are “gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes” and junk.

You should read it.

kelly osbourne + the gospel

WARNING: There are things like deep thoughts and semi-coherent sentences in here today. Rest assured that my usual inane content will resume tomorrow.

how fierce is K.O. looking these days?

A couple days ago, I was watching E! true hollywood story: kelly osbourne.   Ok, actually, I was watching the ‘keeping up with the kardashians’ and got too lazy to get up and change the channel when it ended, so I ended up watching a documentary about kelly osbourne, but I digress.

To nobody’s surprise, kelly had a rough childhood. They travelled a lot, she was a kid with a british accent growing up in america, and, hello!, her dad was ozzy osbourne. It isn’t exactly pet golden retrievers and white picket fences when your dad sings for black sabbath.

Anyways, kells was saying how the kids at her school would pick on her, and she mentioned that “the religious ones” would tell her that she was going to “burn in hell” because her dad bit the heads off of bats and stuff.

What the what?

I literally started crying when I heard that, and lest you think that is normal little j behavior, let me assure you that it is not.

Sometimes (like when watching E: true Hollywood stories) I get to the end of my rope with people who use the name of Christ to fuel their own bigoted and prejudiced agendas. Then I wonder how many times I’ve done something really crappy to someone (I assure you I have) and they’ve judged Christianity based on my behavior.

Too often we forget what the bible actually says. Sure it would be nice to live in a world where everybody was perfectly biblical, but if every single one of my friends quit going out drinking on Friday nights, would it make any difference at all in light of eternity?

Nope.

We need to quit trying to force people who don’t know Christ into a Christian lifestyle. When we do that, we are basically telling our friends "you have to earn your way to Jesus."  I don’t hurt for my friends because they say cuss words, I hurt for them because they don’t know God for who he really is.

I wonder how things could have been for kelly if one of those “religious” kids had said,

“Hey, I see you’re new here. Let’s be friends.”

Any maybe that’s putting a lot of pressure on elementary school age children, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask from us adults.